hi my name is....

My A4 class all sat in the computer lab thinking of our pen names...
They all had spectacular names with meaning and purpose.
Or maybe not even that, they just sounded intelligent, or like they were about to drop some unreal writing into Paris.
I remember asking Nelson..
"I want my blog name to be inspiring.."
His answer was..
"Your pen name isn't going to inspire people it will be what you write."

If you really knew me, you would know that I am a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person.
IF you really knew me you would know that I have a heart full of love and the last person I am thinking about is myself.
If you really knew me you would know that I love giving people a good laugh.
If you really knew me...you would know that while I sat there in that writing lab this is what went through my head.

"Okay..my blog name will be the first thing name that pops into my head.."
Well the first name to pop into my head was Ronda..
And if any of you really know me you would know that that would be a dead give away.
So unfortunantly the second name to pop into my head was..Agatha.

So I said what the heck and put it in.

I had no idea it was going to effect my amount of readers or the amount of comments I got on my posts.
I feel as though the people who's blogs were read had ellequint and saficticated names.
My name made me look like a tourist.
But I am not a tourist.
You can't judge a book by its cover.
I think that is one of the reasons I was never afraid to show who I was before we revealed all of this.
I think that's why I write like I talk.
Everyone could pick out who I was like a sore thumb.

The pen names really shouldn't have effected how you wrote.
This big reveale shouldn't determaine wheather you delete that heartfelt post or not.
We all enjoyed this jouney in paris together.
 And it was a pleasure getting to know the other side of all of you. so..

Hi My Name Is Alyssa Wilde

There bad comes with good. BUT the good is what to remember.

I remember walking into my first day of preschool. How excited I was. Just a cute innocent 5 year old. Taking on adventures other than being a princess locked in a tower.

I remember having the largest smile on my 6 year old face walking into kindergarten with all of the "big kids".

I remember being chubby but still somewhat of a cut little 7 year old girl finally going into 1 grade where I could now finally go to my full day of school, with lunch, and recess.

I remember being 8...and that is when it began. I remember walking down the hallway just a little girl happy to be there when a big kid told me I was fat and ugly..and to put down that candy bar and start doing some sit-ups...crushed..

I remember being in fourth grade at a new school, a new state. I remember having wire brimmed glasses with a fat belly and 2 chins. Getting bullied every single day.

I remember knowing what depression was at the age of 11...I remember asking my dad in the 6 grade what I can do to loose weight. I remember being scared to go to school becuase I didn't know who was going to be next to tear me down that day.

I remember finally being in middle school, a confused 14 year old 8 grader. Far from ever knowing who I really was. I remember my self image being the lowest of the low, my heart shattered into pieces.

I remember being in the 9th grade. I remember watching all of my friends get tall and skinny and pretty. I remember letting anorexia get the best of me, suicide controlling my thoughts and my emotions everyday worst then the last.

But there does come a time in each of our lives where we realize what the past means, and what that can also mean for the future.

I remember when I finally got into high school and feeling a sense of release. That no one could hurt me anymore.

I remember the first time I really went out of my way for someone to make them feel good.

I remember the first time I walked down the hall and shared a smile with a perfect stranger and me not being worried about myself.

I remember the first time I watched someone drop their stuff and I went out of my way to help them pick it up.

I remember the first time I painted a disabled girls nails and the way she smiled and laughed and the way she felt beautiful!

\I remember the first time I held my little brother and his hands and feet were so small and so precious.

I remember the first time I took a run during a magnificent sunset outside.

I remember the first time I hugged my family all five of us and that moment and all of the times there after I will feel that burning passion love from my family.

I remember...so much bad...but with the bad..comes so much good...and the good is the things to remember.

Have you ever thought about what your heart beats for?
I know what mine beats for...

My heart beats for the air I breath,

My heart beats for the piercing cold wind on my cheeks,

My heart beats for the blanket on my bed that some little kids don't have,

My heart beats the laughs I share,

My heart beats for the moment right before a kiss,

My heart beats for the words we speak,

My heart beats for love,

My heart beats for my family,

My heart beats for when I do something I love,

My heart beats for every time I sing and I know I sound terrible but I am just living,

My heart beats for the tears I shed,

My heart beats for the little things we don't think matter but do,

My heart beats for a special look you get from a special someone,

My heart beats....for you.

Now..what does your heart beat for..?

 

 

Black out poetry..hopefully it works

You are my Nature

Your eyes remind me of the blue water in the canyon. Always something there. Always piercing my soul in a good way. In a way I could not explain. But it felt good, I feel as though you know me because I know your eyes. And they can see through me. They are deep and so focused I have never seen such a set of eyes but I know I loved yours.

Your skin reminds me of the warm sun beating down into the canyon. It makes me feel warm and comforted. I never want to leave your skin. The kind that shines and makes me feel safe. The skin that makes me feel secure and good. The kind I want to hold onto and keep with me forever. And that is yours.

Your hands remind me of the trees strong but soft. I can remember the first time I held it. Not in a lovey way but in a funny way. It was a soft hand but I could feel the strength. I could feel the passion and desires of your soul. I knew no one would ever tear you down. Your roots were strong just like a trees and I could feel that in your hands. The way our hands moved with each other like a tree moves with the wind. The way our hands fit so perfectly together like the tree fits into the ground. The way our fingers knew exactly where to go just like a leaf knows where to grow on a tree.

Your lips remind me of my desire to live in nature. I have never kissed them but if I ever did I know it would be right. Its perfection your lips are, the way they are shaped, the way they move when you talk, the way I see them when you say my name. No lips have ever been so precious in my eyes. Just like my desire to live in nature I have never got a taste but I know if I did I would never want to be anywhere else. If I ever got the chance to touch your lips I know I would never want anyone else.

Your hair reminds me of the soft bushes in the forest. Your hair is soft and natural. It makes me happy, it makes me want to laugh and be free and enjoy you. No one's hair has ever made me feel that way. But yours does.

You. Your remind me of the one yellow tree in the middle of pine trees in the fall. You are the different one.You make me feel spontaneous. You are more different then anyone that I have ever known. The way you laugh when I say something stupid that is different. The way you brush my hand with yours and get nervous because it was an accident and you don't know what I will think. That makes you different. The way you give me silly little compliments that to you seem like not a big deal but to me..it means the world. That makes you different. The way you make my heart ache for you when your not around, the way I want you by my side every second of the day, the way your arms can wrap me in a hug so strong and powerful and make me feel like the happiest girl alive. That makes you different.

 You complete the canyon..without you the canyon would be nothing. Without you the canyon would have no trees, no bushes, no water. The canyon would be nothing without you. You have helped shape the canyon. Me. Without you I am empty. Without you I have no hands to dream about, no lips to hope for, no skin to desire, no eyes to fall into. So I thank you for helping build my canyon because without you..my canyon would be empty. You are my nature.

Death is coming. What are you going to do about it?

What do you think it will be like to die?
Will we float out of our bodies or walk?
Will we stand at the pearly gates in the clouds with God there to welcome us or will we roam the earth for a little while as a spirit?
So many questions with so little answers. I guess the only way to get the answers would be to die.
But I am sure as heck not ready to go.

Life is funny isn't it? We search our whole lives for something. For achievement for a purpose for anything to give us a reason to live. And then... to die.
 
To die...
Those to words haunt my soul. They shake my spirit and rattle my bones. It makes me quiver to imagine those words rolling across my mind.
To know.. that will be me someday laying in that coffin, ice cold, make up all on my face, my lips and eyes waxed shut. It makes me sick to think about.
 I don't want people crying, moaning and groaning at my funeral.If anything I want it to be a celebration.
I know that is the strangest thing.
But I want people to celebrate the life I lived, the difference I made the people I effected.
I want people to be laughing about the memories we made and the love we shared.
By the time I die..which i hope is a long time from now..I hope I have made so many memories my funeral will go on for hours and people will be laughing and sharing and comforting eachother.

Death doesn't always have to be dark and scary.

The grim reaper has really ruined our whole conception of death We look at this and all we can think about is that is coming for us someday. When really we ourselves are the grim reaper.
We are killing ourselves by focusing on death one little bit at a time.

So think of the good things. One day when you die you will meet God oh how glorious that day will be. You will see all of your family that has passed. People you never even knew will be congratulating you on your journey on earth and welcoming you home.
You will be in heaven. So much beauty I don't think our minds will be able to comprehend how beautiful it will be.
Losing someone is sad.
No.
Losing someone you love is terrible. But it isn't so bad when you know what they are going to.

Death is frightening of course. Even scarier is how we are going to die. But why think about that?
We are here living now. BE HERE NOW! Enjoy what you have NOW. Love everyone you know NOW.
Death is coming. What am I going to do about it? Nothing there's nothing I can do but live in the moment and enjoy the little things.
Your time will come I can promise you that. I think we think too much. No more thinking just doing. Love the life you live, live the life you love and everything will turn out the way it should.

I am I am I am afraid

I'm afraid...

I am afraid of getting old.

I am afraid of responsibility when I am older.

I am afraid of not being able to be afraid of the dark.

I am afraid of wearing a pair of heals and not being able to walk on the back of them because someone will look at me weird.

I am afraid of getting a full time job and not being able to screw around all day.

I am afraid of growing up and having kids and raising them wrong.

I am afraid of driving on a road to a job that I hate so I can pay the bills.

I am afraid of not being able to sleep with my favorite blanket anymore.

I am afraid of paying bills.

I am afraid of getting scared and my parents not being there to comfort me.

Do you think that an adult ever wants to not do these things?

Do you think that an adult wants to scream and sing as loud as they can while they shop?

Do you think that an adult wants to walk on the back of their heals?

Because really I think we are all afraid of growing up.

I think we are so afraid of the darkness but the darkness surrounds us.

I think adults are too afraid of being judged so they act mature. 

I am afraid of turning into that.

Into what?

A robot.

I don't want to do the regular daily routine like all the other adults someday.

But the truth is..

It's coming..

It is coming as fast as a train. And there is no way to stop me from becoming an adult.

There is no way for me to not go and have a full time job so I can pay my bills.

I will always be stuck as an adult.

And the worst part is..

This fear of mine will haunt me for the rest of my life..

What Is A Like Or A Favorite?

What does it mean to get a "like" or a "favorite" on instagram or twitter?

It is the approval of someone else.

You should be posting things for yourself.
And I know that sounds dumb..BUT, it is important.
How many of us care if we break 200 likes on an instagram picture?
Too many of us.

We post about the memories.

But what happened to a little disposable camera?
The ones that had to get the film developed and if you looked bad in a picture you couldn't edit it.
You were who you were in the pictures no one could like them or fav them you just were happy with is because it was a memory you made with people you love.
And you didn't need the satisfaction of others laying on your shoulders you were you and were happy with that.

Isn't that how we all should be?

Becuase a like on instagram or a fav on twitter doesn't mean anything if you aren't happy with yourself.

9 Steps On How To Hide ADD

1. Don't talk about random stuff. Always talk in literate terms. I don't even know what literate means but I would imagine it is something smart that keeps some people educationally stimulated.
 
2. Always focus on the subject don't let your mind wonder, like the other day when I was in the Mountains alone and saw a dear prancing along the road.
 
3.Always take your medication. My medication is purple. Which reminds me of my childhood hero Barney who was purple with a green stomach.

4. Don't draw on your hand to focus. That reminds me I need to write on my hand that I have an appointment at 4:30.
 

5.  You need to sit still in your seat at all times so you don't annoy the people around you.
Oh my goodness this one time I was moving around in my desk and then the chair broke because I was leaning back too far on it and it was so funny.
 
6. When you drive a car you need to sit up and not jam out to music. There's this one song that gets me so excited when I am in the car I almost crash every time.
 
7. Don't talk to other people. I mean you can talk to them but not too much because then of course everyone will think that you have ADD and your cover is blown. But every time someone tells me not to talk to someone I always want to talk even more. Whenever it is quiet I just need to scream bloody murder.

8. Always do your homework no matter how much it hurts you to sit down and do the work you have to do it. Whenever I try to do homework I always get so turnt on like Beethoven. Because apparently Beethoven is supposed to help you focus but all of the little instruments in the song run through my hear the next thing I know the music has overtaken me.
 
9. Forget everything I just said. Really just forget it. ADD doesn't change who you are. It doesn't exists just because your doctor told you, you cannot focus because you are a well driven high thinking person doesn't mean you have ADD. It means you are special and have a power that not many people do. So just forget it all, and just be YOU!

THIS IS TOO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE

I hope one day I am as funny as Chris Farley because honestly who does not love this man?

If you want to know what different is then it is him.

People shouldn't be so afraid of embarrassment.

Who cares if you accidentally do a double chin in a picture,

or pee your pants in public,

or say something stupid,

because chances are that made you different and not only that..

IT MADE SOMEONE SMILE!

ADD WHOOP WHOOP

We have the Doers those who sit in class do their work and excel acedemicaly.
We have our Thinkers those who think logically and stick to what the world wants the upcoming generations to become.
Then we have our dreamers. Who don't pay attention and are always dreaming about things that are bigger and better and different and explore the impossible with their mind.
The dreamers are also known as the ADD's.
They say, "You can't pay attention," "You can't learn this lesson."

I can still remmeber to this day taking the test to see if I had ADD.
I remember my mom trying to hide it from me.
I always knew though. I always knew I was different and I loved that.
Until i got into high school...
 

As i enetered high schol i was treated differently. But not the good kind of different.
I didn't know there was such a thing as a bad different.

I always was having these meetings to plan my ftuture becuase i guess i couldn't figure that out on my own.
They kept up on my personal life i always felt like i was in a therapy session.

I was treated like i couldn't do anyting from the neck down. Like i as completely disabled and helpless.
I felt that i had no respect that i was a puppy that wanted to stop and smell the roses but i was being choked down a boaring desert filled with nothing but brown sand.
I wasnt allowed to explore i was a mouse stuck on a sticky trap so bored i was screaming kill me but instead they made me sit there where i could not move just sit and be brainwashed.

But thats the thing about being different and being pulled in many different ways that you dont want to be pulled.
You learn who you are and who you want to become.
So i would like to thank all those councelors who told me i wasnt smart enough, who told me i couldn't take that hard class, for telling me my dreams and aspirations weren't good enough. 
This is for everyone who told me i couldn't.
Thank You.

Things That Are Good

*Washing my makeup off at the end of the day
*Playing Hide and Seek

*Painting my nails with a new color no one has.
*Building new friendhships.
*Eating a Taco with a friend at 2 AM
*Being called pretty.
*Going on dates.
*Holding hands.
*Receiving a text from a cute boy.
*Cuddling with your dog when your scared.
*A cold bedroom.
*New jewler.
*Shaved legs.
*A new outfit.
*Crying and having a friend cry with you.
*Punching a hole in the wall and getting away with it.
*Getting your first paycheck.
*A fresh new cold coke.
*Disneyland.
*Rides at Disneyland whos wait are not 2 hours.
*Seeing a new born smile for the first time.
*When How I Met Your Mother season 9 went on Netflix.
*A full tank of gas.
*Being on Nelsons Top 5. (haven't gotten there yet but I am sure that feels great!)
*Top Romin (I don't know how that is spelt)
*Your first kiss.
*Taking your hair out of a bun at the end of the day.
*Realizing all the things that are good that you have and noticing the list just goes on and on.

Good things in your life aren't always the big things.

They are just the little things that can make you smile everyday.

Sticks and Stones my break my bones but BRICKS will probably hurt me.

You can relate anything to love.
Love can be a soft pillow thrown at you, or a face soul crushing brick.
The lucky ones have the pillow thrown at them once or twice.
But for some of us...we always get the brick.

The Brick feels like,
Rubbing alcohol on an open wound,
Crashing into a car on your bike,
Losing something your passionate about,
Stubbing your toe,
Stepping on a lego,
The end of The Fault In Our Stars,
Not being able to pee on a road trip,
Having a stuffed up nose and not being able to breath all night,
A big zit on your lip the day of Homecoming.

But the Brick is what makes us stronger.
It get's us ready to ready to have the pillow.
We will appreciate the pillow so much more when the bricks have been thrown in our face countless times.

Yes the brick will suck.
Yes we might give up on the pillow because the brick makes you sad at night.
Yes the brick is going to hurt you!

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
And there is always a rainbow after a storm.
And your pillow is waiting for you. You just haven't found it yet.

18

Turning 18 in two weeks has really given me an opportunity to look back and forward on my life.
I've recalled back to my earliest memory.
Living in the little town of Vernal Utah.
It was my little sisters baby blessing and I was sitting at my plastic table in my over sized t-shirt and my barney underware on with absolutely no care in the world.
With my plastic tea cups pretending there was actually tea in them.
I remember my uncle coming to sit and join me and  he sat and pretended to drink tea out of plastic cups sitting at my plastic table. That was too small for him but he sat with me anyways.

How wonderful was it to not care to be so young, have no cares in the world.
Just you and your imagination.

I remember turning 12.
Having a birthday part with my crazy friends and I.
Just a couple of us girls.
Talking about boys, 6th grade, going into middle school, growing up.
Getting older with age but still young at heart.
Laughing just enjoying each others company. We watched the Goonies and made memories. Things i will remember for a lifetime because it was special.

Turning 16 was such a special time.
It was entering into a new life. Driving, dating, high school.
Everything you have waited for and been so excited for our whole life.
My birthday party was something I will never forget.
Sharing my birthday with my best friend, and him and I celebrating that new time in our lifes together.
Dancing the night away and celebrating our friendship and our new journeys.
How lucky was I to have such amazing people surrounding me to make that day so special.

Now I am almost 18 and remembering all of these fun special moments and realizing this fun and play is almost over.
I am growing up and sitting at that little plastic table has turned into a plastic desk full of books and papers that haven't given memories.
Those plastic cups that i pretended were empty are now glass and filled with coffee so i can stay awake at a 9 to 5 job that I hate.

I will not let society destroy the little girl in the barney underwear with the plastic toys.
I will always be that little girl no matter how old I am.
Even 18.